Changes...

I have been contemplating some changes to my life recently.

For 18+ years I have been a firefighter.  I have walked around with a pager strapped to my hip, ready to respond at a moments notice to my neighbor who needs my help.  I have saved peoples' lives by preforming life saving CPR.  I have cradled the child that has lost everything in a house fire on Christmas eve.  I have given the bad news to parents that their son/daughter is not coming home because they were killed by a drunk driver.  I have also gotten up at 3am for the 80y/o lady stuck in the bathtub.  I have done all this without looking for thanks or limelight. 

But at what price am I or my family paying for this?  I cannot count how many times I have had to turn down dinner invitations, ball game tickets, golf outtings, invitations to visit family because of fire department related issues.  (Duty weekends, training, large calls)  Last night I had to turn down (again) what I think would have been an excellent prime rib dinner and a good time with some friends because it was fire department training night.  And it wasn't even a good training... it was "check the trucks" nights.  Do I really want to continue missing opportunities?  What about when my son is in school and I have to miss the school play because of a fire call...  will he understand?  Or will he just know that his father wasn't there. 

I keep telling myself...  "dude... you've dedicated over 18 years of your life to the fire service.  Isn't that enough?  Thats over half your life!  Maybe its time to let some of the younger folk take up the cause for awhile.  You've pulled your weight.  You've done your best.  Now move on and enjoy your friends and family for awhile."  Each time I have these thoughts, I hear from others "you can't quit!  You'll miss it too much. It's who you are."  Maybe who I am and who I WANT to be are two different people.  Maybe I no longer WANT to be the guy that gets out of bed at 4am because someone has flu-like symtoms (who has had them for two days and decides at 4am that thats the best time to go to the doctor, but instead of waiting till 9am when the office opens instead calls 911.)  Maybe I no longer WANT to get up at 2am because some drunk guy who just closed down the bar runs his car into a tree.  Maybe I no longer want to work with some of the guys who aren't happy on the department unless there is controversy and strife.  I don't even remember what normal life was like BEFORE the deparment.

I guess I need to think about it for awhile....