A Day To Remember...

Last Saturday was the annual "Walk To Remember." http://www.westmichiganwalktoremember.com/ It's a day that we take to remember when the earth stood still. I remember the events well. They haunt me to this day. The amount of guilt I still feel is enormous.

March 2, 2007

I was excited. I was picking up my new (used) car from my brother-in law. Well... OK.. I wasn't excited. After all - it was a car. I am not a big car fan. I have always driven trucks. However, my truck was falling apart, I drive 56 miles each way to work every day, and I needed something a little more reliable with much better gas mileage. So... I was picking up my car. It was later in the afternoon, so by the time I got home there wasn't a whole lot of time for me to switch everything over from my truck to my new (used) car. I just threw a few things in there that I would need and called it good. Later that evening my wife, Beth, began complaining of a migraine headache. Those of you who know us know that Beth and I get these all the time. As the evening progressed, the headache got worse and worse. No amount of aspirin, prescription drugs, cold packs, hot showers would relieve the pain. She couldn't even sleep. She told me that this was the worst headache she had ever experienced - that her eyes would not focus. I took her blood pressure. It was a little high, but I wasn't too concerned. After all, she was almost 7 months pregnant. But... she wanted to go to the hospital. "Better drugs there" she said. So.. off to the ER we went. When we arrived, she was taken back to "MOD A" where she was poked, prodded, asked the same questions over and over again by different people. Good grief... they have a computerized charting system. I watched them put the notes in the charts... does anyone know how to read nowadays? Anyway... each person as they came in asked if she was pregnant to which she answered "yes." I wanted to answer "HEY!!! READ YOUR STUPID COMPUTER BEFORE YOU COME IN HERE!" but she wouldn't let me. They finally decided that a cocktail of Compuzine and Benedryl would be OK to give her. No monitoring of the baby... no fetal tones... nothing. After they administered the drugs, she became a little drowsy, so I left her alone to take a little snooze and went to the cafeteria. While I was eating my slice of 5 hour old pizza, my phone buzzed. Odd, I thought. Who would be texting me at this time of night? I looked at the message... it was Beth - "come back now." So... dropped the rest of the pizza in the garbage and hightailed it back to her room. She was up and getting dressed. I said, "what 'cha doin'?" She said, "I don't feel right. I feel jittery, antsy. I have to get home." I asked her if she was sure... if she was really ready to leave yet. She was still hooked up to the IV drip getting some much needed fluids. She was adamant that she was ready to go. I went to find the doctor to sign the release forms. (trying to find a doctor in the ER at that time of night is nearly impossible) I finally found him, signed the appropriate paperwork and we got out of there. Beth kept saying she just felt like she had to be home, something just isn't right. We got home, I put her to bed and she went right to sleep.

March 3, 2007

We woke up the next morning; did our morning routine of talking to Emily.... tried to get her to move... just cuddled her in general. We talked about what it was going to be like to have a little girl running around the house. We ran a few errands. We were just another happy family waiting for the arrival of our firstborn. Around 5pm all my friends were getting home from work and a couple had agreed to help me take all the equipment (lights, sirens, radios, gear) out of my old truck. We were going to meet at the station at 6pm. I was convinced it would take about 3 hours to remove all of my gear. About a half hour before we were to leave, Beth called me into the bedroom. She told me that she hadn't felt Emily move all day, and she wanted me to try and wake her up with my voice. I tried talking, singing, humming, everything that I could think of. I even tried jiggling Beth's belly back and forth. Nothing worked. We looked up the FAQ part of the book "What To Expect When You Are Expecting" and found the question, "What do I do if I don't feel my baby move?" It told us that if you haven't felt any movement in 24 hours to call your doctor. Well... Beth had felt movement the night before, so in my book it wasn't 24 hours yet. I told her we would keep an eye on it, and if she hadn't felt anything by later that evening, we would go to the hospital. She agreed to this, so off we went to the fire station. As I suspected, it took about 3 hours to complete the job, and by 9pm we were home. I asked Beth if she had felt anything yet, to which she said no. Nothing yet. I asked her if she wanted to go to the hospital. She hemmed and hawed around for awhile. I understood what this meant. We had just been there the night before, and she didn't think that I really wanted to go back... again. And I didn't. I knew this was going to be a false alarm and that nothing was wrong and I really didn't want to spend another night at the hospital. But.. for her sake, I said, "C'mon... let's just go." We arrived at the hospital, and were ushered up to the second floor. She changed into her gown and got into the bed. I picked up a magazine and started reading an article. She began watching a TV show. A nurse came in to hook her up to the fetal tone monitor. She had difficulty finding Emily's heartbeat. This is normal in a pregnancy. Babies like to play hide 'n go seek all the time. She tried coaxing her around. all to no avail. She left, stating the Resident would be in shortly to complete an ultrasound. I picked up my magazine again.. only this time I had trouble concentration on the article. Little thoughts kept creeping into my head... "what if there's trouble? What if Emily is sick... what if she's dead?" The Resident came in with a nurse about 5 minutes later, got Beth's belly all gooed up and began trying to find Emily's heartbeat. 1 minute... then 2... then 3. She kept moving the wand over and over Beth's tummy, looking for any sign of a heartbeat. Wait!! There it is.... oh... nope.. just a tummy sound. There it is again! Oh... nope.... just reverb from the wand. She finally gave up, apologizing that she was just a Resident and was having issues finding the baby. Probably nothing to worry about, but she was going to have the Specialist come in and complete the job. This time when everyone left, I left the magazine on the table and just held my wife's hand. I knew deep down inside that something was wrong. Terribly wrong. But I kept a brave face for Beth and told her it would be alright.... everything would be alright. The Specialist finally arrived. He introduced himself to us and I knew that everything was going to be OK. He had been in this field for 30 years and had many years experience with ultrasound equipment. I knew that if anyone could find Em's heartbeat, it would be him. So... I watched as they lubed her all up again. He placed the wand on her belly and began moving it back and forth, back and forth.... 1 minute... 2 minutes.... then 3. As he kept going over and over her belly, I began to understand that this was not a good turn of events and that I should begin to prepare myself for the worse. I turned to look at Beth, and we both knew that the end of our road with Emily had come. The doctor stopped his exam and in his doctorly way said that he was sorry, but he could not find a heartbeat and that the baby had passed.

March 4, 2007

We had been transferred to the 3rd floor of the OB department. It was 12 hours since we had been told the news. Many things had transpired during that time period. Phone calls to families had been made, consults with OB docs, Beth had been given a drug that induces labor, a couple naps, I had gone home to get her some stuff she needed to make the room more comfortable for her. I was walking around in a fog. I couldn't believe this was happening to us. Hadn't we suffered enough with the two previous miscarriages before? Why was God bent on taking all of our children away from us? Why was he teasing us with these little babies, then yanking them away from us? What had we done that was so terrible? I became bitter towards Him. I hated Him. I lashed out at people who said, "He knows how you feel. He sacrificed his only Son." Sacrificed? Sacrificed?!? What a load of crap! He doesn't know how I feel. He lost his Son for 3 days! Big whoop-tee-doo! And.... and.... He was risen and is sitting next to Him right now! How could he know what I feel like? The next few hours were a blur. Many family members came in from out of town. Doctors and nurses in and out of the room, checking Beth progression. I was numb from grief. I knew that I had to keep going for Beth, but I just didn't have too much more to give. Around 11pm most of the people had gone home. She had began having contraction earlier in the day, but was not progressing very fast. She had been stuck at 5cm since about 4pm, and we were digging in for what we thought was going to be another very long night. At 11:30pm she began having another contraction. This one was by far the worst... and she said, "I think it's going to happen!" We punched her nurse call button and she came running in with her doctor (who is still a good friend to this day. We love her to death.) Since the last check, she had gone from a 5 to a 9cm that quick. Beth wanted to wait until her father could be there before she would deliver. I told her just to let it go, but she was determined to wait. Her dad walked in at 12:13am and our beautiful baby daughter was born at 12:15am, March 5, 2007.

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To this day... I blame myself for her death. Why didn't I just pack Beth up and take her to the hospital when she first told me about it? Why didn't I feel a bigger sense of urgency to get her there? The chances of Emily surviving outside of the womb weren't horrible... and the hospital had a great NICU department. If only I had gotten her there earlier. Everyone tells me that most likely Emily had passed away even before that... that she was gone before Beth even mentioned it to me.... but my mind still wonders. Later Beth mentioned to me that she knew even before we got to the hospital that Emily was dead. This is what really hurts me. Here she is, sitting at the station for 3 HOURS while I take my old truck apart knowing that inside of her, our daughter is dead. I just can't imagine. I just can't imagine. Emily Elizabeth... I love you. I have always loved you. I will always love you.